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Nov. 24th, 2010

 Does your heart ache and break when they’re sad? Then its love. Do you cry for their pain, even when they’re strong? Then its love. Do their eyes see your true heart and touch your soul so deeply it hurts? Then its love. Do you stay because blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there? Then its love. Do you accept their faults because they are a part of who they are? Then its love. Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret? Then its love. Would you allow them to leave you not because they want to but because they have to? Then its love. Would you give them your heart, your life, your death? Then its love.//

Nov. 24th, 2010

 I’m a slut cause I’ll wear shorts & a tank top
I’m anorexic cause I eat as much as I want & don’t gain weight
I’m a bitch cause I don’t let you push me around
I’m a liar cause I won’t tell you everything
I’m stupid cause sometimes I’m wrong
I’m ugly cause my face isn’t perfect
I’m a whore cause I like boys
I’m annoying cause I’m not chill enough
I’m a loser cause I’m not friends with your group
I use people cause I do what’s best for me
I’m fake cause most of the time I’m happy
I’m weird cause I’m not like you
I’m controlling cause I get mad sometimes
I’m clingy cause I like to be around people
I’m greedy cause I like to be satisfied
I’m naive cause I’m younger than you
I’m conceited cause I’m proud of who I am
I’m rude cause my manners aren’t perfect
I’m unappreciative cause I don’t praise you
Don’t try to tell me who I am cause I already know.

Nov. 24th, 2010

 okay so you know when you get things off your chest you're meant to feel better? 
yeah well i don't. Everyone seems to live in a fairytale world.
They want everything to be perfect, like any of us know what the word means.
Everyone wants the perfect relationship, or the perfect person when nobody is perfect.
& if you're gonna wait to find that perfection then good luck i say!
Just remember all the people you hurt in the meantime,
it's basically just telling everyone else that they're not good enough.

Love isn't about perfect fit, perfect time or the perfect way to say I love you. It's about making the times that seem completely imperfect, absolutely amazing. Even when it's hard to smile, even when it hurts, some how it all becomes bearable just because we have each other, and that, my friends, is love.
Okay, so that guy i like? he's an ass.

he's not the same guy i knew, he ignores me, he's always too ''busy'' for me, never wants to see me anymore & his attitude stinks. this is like the fifth time in two months he's done this to me. & i'm seriously getting sick of it! the funny thing is he promised he'd stop being like that, so yeah that worked out well. & i cant help thinking that it's all my fault. has he gone off me? he says he hasn't but i doubt he would act like this is he didn't. If he has a problem with me, i wish he would just tell me cos i'm not going through this another time. I have much bigger things to worry about than wondering if someones gonna speak to me...

okay so i wrote that a while back & well now things have changed. That guy i like, doesn't like me anymore. We are not together & never will be :( he wants to be friends, so i try my hardest to push back the pain. But sometimes i cant help feeling that he does have feeling towards me, otherwise the situation would be different. All i know is? i absolutely love him<3

just gonna stand there & hear me cry?

Hey guys, not been on in a while. I apologize, but i've been pretty busy for a change. Alotta new things been happening. For instance, my hair is now back to blonde, i have met an amazing guy. Well i say met, but i've known him for a while, but have been gradually getting closer to him. When i say he's amazing i'm not exaggerating, he truly is. I speak to him everyday without fail, except times when i can't like when he's left me to go on holiday or out with family but i'm not clingy, i let him have his own space too. The way he looks at me with his stunning eyes, he doesn't even have to say anything, i understand him through his eyes. As the saying goes, the eyes are the windows to the soul.

He is such a beautiful person and not many people know it. He is the kinda guy you just wanna spend your life with, enjoying life day-by-day, getting through tough times together. When we're together, i love it so much that i dont want him to go. I almost cried once when he said he had to go. Now i know alott of you are probably thinking im sad or a div. & i'd agree if i hadn't had felt the pain i did. It was unbearable, i couldnt watch him walk out the door knowing that he wouldnt be back to me for more than a month. I guess you could say it's heartbreaking!

That's another new thing thats been happening, i've learned to love, i know i'm just as shocked as you are! I'm not so full of self-hatred anymore, i have came to except things in happier and healthier ways. Dont think i'd have the strength to if i didnt know someone loved me.

It is pretty tough dealing with this on my own, having noone to turn to for help or having noone's shoulder to cry on. It's hard. Everyone always says i have them to turn to, but they don't mean it really. I thought it would get easier yeno? Going it alone. but it's not, and it's seriously taking it's toll on me. I can't sleep properly anymore. My eating habits are all over the place. I need some stability! I need someone to push me, so i can  kick this thing once and for all.

Sometimes at night i read back on a few of the text messages that we shared, and think of all the memories - nice ones. But more than often they get taken over by the stupid texts i've sent him and memories that i wish would just disappear - bad ones. & the heartache and self hatredness comes back, knowing he's gone & ive done so many stupid things kills me. & i cry into my pillow at night, wishing there was someone who could stop me feeling the way i do.

I'm in love & feel lonely. Never thought it possible.




hey guys, i just thought it was maybe time for another post and i promise this will be a happier one lol.

So i woke up this morning and thought ''JEES MY ROOM NEEDS TIDYING'' and you know what? that is exactly what i'm gonna do! Today is a new day for me, a new start if you like. I have been working extremely hard for today. The past year and a half has been the toughest for me & only time will tell if i succeeded. Today my friends, is cleaning up day, creating a happier environment.

I haven't been at the highest peak of my health lately. But i get through it, fake smile, laugh that way if i cry i can just look like i'm having fun. Smart eh? Good friends of mine have been texting me today asking how i am, hoping i feel better and to let them know what happens, and i really appriciate it guys, honestly i do. It's nice to have friends like that dont'cha think?

It's 20th of January 2010 and hopefully - with the news i'm about to be given - its the start of clean break!


Writer's Block: Time may change me ...

People often focus on the things they'd love to change about their lives. What parts of your life would you choose to keep exactly the same?

i would keep my friends+family the same. to be honest they're the world to me. I would keep my eyecolour the same cos greens my favourite colour & i get to show it to everyone everyday haha! Also, my book & music collection - because it's legendary!

hey guys (:
to be quite honest with yous? i have had a shit weekend. the thing i do most at the weekend didn't happen this week & i aint gonna lie to you it suprised me a lil. Is it just me or does everyone seem to be all loved up these days? i tried the whole loved up scene before believe it or not! i mean don't get me wrong it was great & a memory i'll keep forever - sadly not optional lol. but this scene lasted about 6months and i was open to it for so long, let it in & therefor it hit me the hardest, i took it really bad. It kills me to see that he can still move on. says he wants to be 'just friends' which i agreed to but it's really hard. Friends said i should move on but when i tried i ended up with a complete jerk and ended up getting branded with the name SLUT.  to be honest the name doesnt really bother me, but when people believe it like it's gospel? thats what gets to me! i've lost count of how many offers i've had, to 'get this' and 'go and do' that and to 'give them a piece of..'

I'm not gonna lie to you, i flirt. but then who doesnt? sometimes i do it without even realising or some people mistake it as something more. I also get alot of nasty emails - hate mail if you wish - from complete strangers whom which i have never seen in my life, telling me that i should get a life. I'M THE ONE TO GET THE LIFE RIGHT?

I get called fake alot. I like make-up and faketan so what? I assure you the only thing fake about me is my hair colour & the vicious rumours everyones spreading about me! Recovering from being buleimic and the haters just talk down to you, slag you for wearing size 6 trousers. Yes i drink but no i aint a chav. And just cos im flexible doesnt mean i went and shagged all my exes mates does it? No!

While we are clearing the air here, my lips are real, i do not wear false eyelashes, i am not on a quest to steal every girl's boyfriend, i dont know most of the ones you email me about!  and mainly my tits are real. i never had them enhanced! i wear skinny jeans & converse not a top that says 'WHY DONT YOU PRETEND I ATTEMPTED TO HAVE IT ONE WITH YOU'RE MAN WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET IN MY LIFE, THEN EMAIL ME ABOUT IT, JUST SO YOU CAN JUSTIFY YOU'RE INSECURITES (: ''

urghhh! i say boys are the main cause of all this! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx